Beneath the Surface of a Soldier
by grab bag
Summary: A little one-shot songfic following Kyle Reese's thoughts that night in the motel.


            Hi. This is just a little something I wrote b/c I needed to write SOMETHING after midterms.  Song lyrics are *in asterisks.* Enjoy.

Disclaimer:  The Terminator movies, characters, and general franchise do not belong to me, although I'd be too embarrassed to take credit for the third one anyway, even if it was mine.  "Here's to the Night" belongs to Eve 6.

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*So denied, so I lied.

Are you the now or never kind?*

            Kyle Reese sat looking out the window of the motel room, ever alert.  Sarah Connor was lying on the bed, still and quiet, trying to sleep.  So many thoughts ran through Reese's head as he kept a lookout for the Terminator.  He knew he would hear him before he saw him- the dog at the front desk would make sure of that- but he couldn't help staying up.

            This was partially due to the fact that he wasn't used to beds.  Mattresses, pillows, sheets- these comforts made him uneasy.  He would sink into a sleep like none he had ever had before, and that was dangerous.  He had to keep watch...

            The other reason...the other reason was Sarah.  He was scared of her.  Scared to go near her.  He tried to deny it in his head, but it wasn't working anymore.  He was more afraid of her than of anything else.

            Fighting and pain were nothing to him.  Death would mean nothing to him.  It was common, normal.  To some extent, he preferred it.  But the things he felt when he was near Sarah, when he looked at her, even when he thought of her, these were strange and alien.

            It scared him to think he might be breaking down.  Emotions cloud thought, disrupt your fighting.  He couldn't let that happen, if only to protect her.

*In a day, and a day, love,

I'm gonna be gone for good again.*

            He knew that he couldn't keep this up very long.  The Terminator would find him eventually.  They couldn't run forever.  He had no intention to.  They had to destroy it.  Even if he couldn't, Reese thought, maybe he could teach Sarah how to protect herself.  To cover her path or maybe how to use weapons.  Something to give her a fighting chance.  Something that eventually could lead to her destroying that metal bastard, even if he wasn't there to help...if he was gone.

            No.  No, he couldn't think like that.  He had to live.  He had to.  This was his mission.

            But it wasn't his mission to live; just to make sure Sarah lived...

...Sarah...

No!  Why couldn't he concentrate?

*Are you willing to be had?

Are you cool with just tonight?*

            Sarah began speaking to him.  He wasn't entirely aware of what she was saying, he heard her ask a question, and heard himself answer, but it was so hard to concentrate with her so near.

            He did hear her ask about women in his time.  When asked if there was anyone special, he felt a twinge in his stomach.  Why couldn't he tell her?  Why couldn't he say why?  That he was holding on to the faint hope that someday he might have met her, that he might tell her how he felt...

And now, here he was.  With the one woman who he had admired from afar, from the future.  Who had turned out to be just as strong as he had always heard.  She may not believe it now, but her son would learn so much from her.  He knew it.  It had happened, so it must.  She was strong and brave and wonderful.  

Sarah ran her hand over his back, touching the scars that were there.  She apologized for all the pain, but Reese told her the thing he told himself every day- pain can be controlled.

But he was wrong.  The pain he felt right now, being next to Sarah and being unable to have her, that was pain worse than any he had ever felt.  She didn't know how much she was tearing him up inside. And that was pain he couldn't erase.  

            It was then Sarah asked, "So you feel nothing?"

            Reese couldn't help saying what he said next.

*Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well.

Here's to the nights we felt alive.

Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry.

Here's to goodbyes, tomorrow's gonna come too soon.*

            He told Sarah about the photo John Connor had given him.  As he spoke, more and more emotions were welling up inside him as he described the picture he knew from memory.  The feelings he had were too strong to stop him.

            "I came across time for you, Sarah.  I love you.  I always have."

            The instant he said it, he regretted it.

*Put your name on the line, along with place and time.

Wanna stay, not to go, I wanna ditch the logical.*

            Why had he said that?  Why?  Reese felt stupid.  He rose to do something, anything so he wouldn't have to look at Sarah.  He started jamming the explosives into his bag, and apologized when Sarah came over towards him.  He shouldn't have said that at all.  To have it out in the open like that, it hurt so much.

            But then he felt Sarah's hand on his face turning him to face her, and then something else.

            She was kissing him.

            It was strange.  But it was the most wonderful thing in the world.

            Kyle began to respond.  He clung to Sarah like life itself, and at that point, she _was_ life.  She was all that mattered.  They both forgot about the Terminator.  They forgot about the war, about being hunted, about all the police officers that had died, everything.  There was nothing but each other anymore.

            The way it should be.

*Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well.

Here's to the nights we felt alive.

Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry.

Here's to goodbyes, tomorrow's gonna come too soon.*

            They moved to the bed, and Kyle finally knew what it was to be human.  To have feelings.  Somewhere in the back of his mind everything started to make sense.

*All my time is frozen motion, can't I stay an hour or two or more?

Don't let me let you go.*

            He had come through time and now there wasn't enough.  This was heaven, and soon they would have to be knocked back down.  He knew in his subconscious that John Connor's father died long before the war, but for the moment, he didn't care.  This was now.  This was enough.

*Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well.

Here's to the nights we felt alive.

Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry.

Here's to goodbyes, tomorrow's gonna come too soon.*

            Kyle had been fighting his whole life, wondering what the point was.  He had been made tough and unemotional, and for what?  Now he knew.  When they had all been made into focused killing machines for their survival, this was what they were fighting for.  What being human meant.

Feeling.  Emotion.  Love.

Things the machines didn't have, and couldn't understand.

And before tonight, Kyle couldn't have either.

But it was worth risking everything to learn.


End file.
